FAKING NEWS: Crisis in Kolkata: Founder of New Religion ‘Potatoism’ Stages Protest

31st Oct 2015, Kolkata: A crisis situation was nearly averted in the city this evening when the founder of a new religion ‘Potatoism’ staged a protest, at the heart of the city at Esplanade Crossing. ‘Krantikari Baba Aaloo Sevak’, who claims to be the founder and sole follower of the new religion ‘Potatoism’ sat right at the center of Esplanade Crossing, alone along with three bags full of potatoes to stage his protest, as cars and buses zoomed past him. But it took only a few minutes before liberal intellectuals from all over the city joined Baba Aaloo in his endeavor to fight for his cause. This resulted in an intense traffic jam as vehicles from all directions were affected.

However, Kolkata Police soon came in action and was able to clear the area. Witnesses say the police took the potatoes in their Van describing it as evidence.  Our correspondent was able to get an exclusive interview with Baba Aaloo, the excerpts are as under,

Correspondent: Namaste! Baba Aaloo. What were you protesting against?

Baba Aaloo: My name is ‘Krantikari Baba Aaloo Sevak’ and I’m the founder of the vibrant new religion ‘Potatoism’. Our religion believes that the Potato is the sanctum sanctorum of the world, all the life’s answers can be found in the potato. It can guide the world to spiritual awareness. It is universal.

The Lord

Correspondent: But what were you protesting against?

Baba Aaloo: I was protesting the consumption of our lord, our deity the potato. How can our society be so intolerant towards the feelings of the minority? How can you consume our God? Potatoes are to be put in a magnificent temple and worshiped not decapitated, mutilated and mixed with spices for your gastronomical appeasement. You, the majorities of this country have been committing this sin since eternity and the potato will have its fury upon you soon. You slice my God up, fry him in a tumbler of boiling oil and pack it up with its mutilated limbs for future consumption. No more of this. The Potato is our God and its consumption not just an insult to our community but a sin with no repentance.

Correspondent: Wait, wait, wait…. Your religion believes that the Potato is God? And you are protesting against the consumption of Potato by EVERYONE?

Baba Aaloo: Are you stupid or your dumb God made you this way? What have I been blabbering all this time. The answer is yes and yes.

Correspondent: I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt your feeling. It is just a little weird… I mean unorthodox.

Baba Aaloo: What weird, what unorthodox. Is believing in the God’s will unorthodox? What some you religious fanatics do with just your hair is weird and unorthodox. Some don’t cut it on Tuesdays, some don’t shave the beard, some don’t shave anywhere, not even there. How do they have oral sex? Imagine that, a hairy blowjob. How weird would that be?

Correspondent: Ugh…. Can you share the origins of your religion?

Baba Aaloo: It all started on 2nd October 2015…

Correspondent: On Gandhi Jayanti? The Mahatma’s Birthday?

Baba Aaloo: Is this my interview or yours? Would you bloody let me speak? Our religion has nothing to do with Gandhi, he ate Potatoes and is a sinner.

2nd October 2015 is the day when Ridley Scott’s ‘The Martian’ was released. It is our holy moving scripture. And, Matt Damon is our Messiah.

Correspondent: What?!

Baba Aaloo: Yes. The Holy Martian shows the beauty of the lord, the Potato. It is the narrative of the Lord’s magnanimous and glorious splendor. The majestic appearance of the lord on the barren, alien land is a proof of his omnipresence. The Messiah, Matt Damon serves the lord with all his valor and in the end he is gifted with Jessica Chastain. What bigger a prize could a man get. The Holy Martian is a proof of the lord’s magnificence.

Correspondent: Wait! But doesn’t Matt Damon, the Messiah, eat all the Potatoes in the movie, I mean in the holy moving scripture? Isn’t that what you’re protesting right now?

Baba Aaloo: (Almost sobbing) It’s not consumption, it’s sacrifice. Both, by the Lord and his Messiah. The Lord, the savior he is, sacrified himself, selflessly, for consumption by his disciple, his servant. And, the Messiah, had to toll through scourging his idol, his lord, the Potato and bear the pain of his lord’s sacrifice so that he could spread the message of the lord’s magnificence. Tell me who would have watched ‘The Martian’ if Matt Damon died in the movie? That would have been so anti-climactic. Not good for the Box Office.

Correspondent: Okay, enough! What do you hope to achieve from your protests?

Baba Aaloo: I want a complete blanket ban on consumption of Potatoes. If anyone is found eating potatoes, in any form, he should be sentenced to death by lynching.

Correspondent: What? Are you insane? How can you ban the consumption of Potatoes? It is the staple food of the masses. What would the poor eat?

Baba Aaloo:  I’m not insane. I’m the sanest person alive. If Beef, which is the second most consumed meat, can be banned why potatoes can’t be banned? Potatoes are only the fourth most consumed crop in the world. It’s not even in the top three. Believe me, it won’t be that tough. And, the poor can eat anything in the world. They can eat chicken.

Correspondent: Huh? That logic is flawed. And the poor can’t afford Chicken.

Baba Aaloo: We are talking about religion. If the logic isn’t flawed, who is going to believe me? And it’s not my problem the poor can’t afford Chicken; they should try to earn more. It would solve a lot of their problems.

Correspondent: Okay! Final Question. What is going to be your next step?

Baba Aaloo: I’m not sure. We will continue our protests. But, right now I have to go to McD and grab a Mc Aloo Tikki. And before you freak out,  IT’S ALLOWED ON SATURDAYS.


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